it is what it is...and it isn't me.

this blog is what it is...and it just isn't me.  when i look at it, i don't see the reflection of me at all in this space.  when i started my blog so many moons ago, i poured my heart and soul out for all to read.  since then, i have learned.

edit.

now,  i have edited myself right out of this blog and that makes me sad.  just this week i have realized that somewhere along the way, i have lost a bit of what makes me who i am.  my hope is that this summer, i can take the time to really find myself again.  hopefully, this blog will be a space for expressing that.

in the meantime i am going to focus on just being okay in the in between.

Photo dump & trying out the mobile app

Trying out the mobile app for blogger, I feel a tad like gossip girl minus the juicy dish on the lastest socialite. hello, upper Midwesterners....

Here are some photos from this week...I find instagram is my new daily diary/calendar...helping me remember what has happened over the past week. (birthday cake, indifferent necklace, my beautiful baby, my beautiful new friend, my furry baby Rosco.)

Have you heard of project life? I stumbled upon through pinterest and I really want to get organized enough to do a book.

Let's just pretend that my kids baby books are already completed...m'Kay?

Anyways...I am not sure how to do the links on the mobile device...youll just have to google project life and see how cool it is for your self.

Happy weekend! XoXo, not gossip girl

hello stranger

It has been far too long since I've posted on this blog.  Honestly, life took over and I have been along for the ride.  It doesn't seem to be slowing anytime soon.  Spring came quick and hot, which means my green thumb has sprouted and I am eager to be outside.   Puttering in the flowers and working on the garden makes me happy (most days).  It's amazing what satisfaction a nicely mowed lawn gives to me.

Homeschooling has become the thing we rush through to get on with the rest of our day and every year I promise to start school earlier in the year, so we can be finished with our work when spring comes knocking at our door.

I have vowed for 2012 to be the year of balance and so far, I feel like it is going well in a lot of areas of our life.  Every activity or commitment has been weighed according the scale of balance.  There is a certain freedom in being able to say no to things that pull to greatly at our family's time.

The glaring area of my life that NEEDS balance is my health.  Everything about my personal health is out of balance.  It seems like the biggest mountain to climb when considering making such a drastic change.  When I was diagnosed with wheat allergy/gluten intolerance/leaky gut a couple years back, I dug my heels in.  So much of me wanted to get better, the more research I did made it clear that changed needed to be made.

Honestly, I just want someone else to do it for me.  I am tired and overwhelmed and just want to eat bread! (insert childish stomp here.)  I want someone else to make my food and tell me to work out and stop eating Jimmy Johns.  But, I know that won't work...I am stubborn by nature (aren't we all to some degree?) and having someone tell me what to do only gives me the freedom to blame them when it doesn't work out.  (read: i don't workout).

So, my goal this spring and summer is to get fit.  I don't want to go psycho crazy about health, fitness,  food or even weight loss. I just want to gain a healthy and balance perspective of my overall health.  Does anyone have any great websites, blogs or books they can recommend that aren't crazy militant about health/weight loss/fitness/diet?

Oscar fashion 2012

It's like the superbowl for women--I have said this for years and actually heard a commentator say that this year while watching the red carpet arrivals for the Oscars.  I am a little nutty when it comes to the Oscars, just ask anyone who has ever watched it with me.  Just ask my kids when they try to ask me to do something for them when it's on (no, not my finest moments).  But I love them and I am not ashamed. The Oscars...and my kids. But specifically the Oscars in that last sentence. 

I fully realize that I am a simple, midwestern girl with average wardrobe.  I am not a designer or even a fashion blogger.  But I adore fashion, especially glamourous, red carpet, all-dolled-up fashion.  It was my dream to one day be on a red carpet  in a fancy gown, waving to the crowd, hair & makeup done to perfection.  So, you can see, I live a little of that dream by fully appreciating the red carpet arrivals of the Oscars.

This year was not disappointing for me at all!  I was hoping for more Art Deco (which there was!), more nod to old hollywood glamour (got it!) and simple elegance (nailed it!).  

Overall, I would have to say that my best dressed pick is Michelle Williams.  She did absolutely EVERYTHING right.  The dress, the FIT of the dress,  the coral color, the pixie hair, the delicate make-up, & that bow on the hip & her accessories. PERFECT!  I literally gasped when I saw her on the red carpet. 

image taken from style.mtv.com

A very close second for me: Gywneth Paltrow.  Talk about a tall drink of water!  That dress, especially with the cape, was amazing.  She went understated with her hair and make-up and let the dress and her figure totally speak for itself.  Gorgeous hollywood glamour.  So beautiful & I love her.

image taken from gma.yahoo.com

A even closer third was Sandra Bullock:  Art deco, perfect fit, different, elegant and amazing.  Some of the commentators were complaining about fit, but it was more about posture.  This dress was backless and amazing from every angle.  Personally, I like the tight bottom half of the dress that gives way to a loose top. 

image taken from justjered.com

Others that were a big hit for me (click the links to get the pix):  

• Ellie Kemper (Erin from the Office)-she took a big risk & I think it paid off. Not many can pull off that copper color and not look like a mermaid, it was gorgeous on TV, a little bright for photos, but I bet in person it was amazing.  I love that she went bright copper with her hair, as well. I am not a fan of how long her bangs were, but I get it.  
• Jessica Chastain: Although this is not something I would EVER pick, this girl pulled this brocade off with class and beauty.  I am in love with her hair and thought her overall look was Oscar worthy!
• Stacy Keibler: she looked like Oscar's date, in the best possible way.  Flawless and classy.
• Maya Rudolph: ART DECO!! I loved this color, the detail on the shoulders, and the fit.  I didn't see the back until this morning & it made me love it more!!  This color with her skin tone was gorgeous!
• Tina Fey:  WOWZA!  Who knew Liz Lemon could pull it together like she did?  Amazing fit, old hollywood glamour--I couldn't tell if it was navy blue or black or deep purple, but it was flawless. Her hair was my favorite of the night.
• Emma Stone:  I adore her.  I think she is spunky & tough & funny.  Her dress was amazing. I loved the color, which I think was lost a little on TV & the red carpet. 
• Cameron Diaz: I am not a big fan of hers, but I thought this dress was breath-taking, especially on TV.
• Leslie Mann:  Sleek, art deco, well-fit, gorgeous.
• Natalie Portman: she rarely disappoints.  I loved this dress.  Perfectly understated for a former Oscar winner & presenter.
• Octavia Spencer:  Beautiful, art deco and hollywood glamour to the MAX!  She nailed it!! btw: her earrings were AMAZING! 

Misses:

• Rooney Mara:  I like the idea of this dress.  I just don't quite understand why some designers think "fit" means that it looks like it will fall off the waif when she sneezes.  I was nervous for her all night. Personally I think that the bodice was ill-fitting and with a little tweeking this could have easily been on my best dressed list.  
• Jennifer Lopez:  the more I saw of this dress, the more I didn't like it.  It's a little art deco, but I think it misses the mark.  I am so over the plunging neckline (are we going to see a boob or not?) and plunging back and cut out sleeves TOO MUCH! Not to mention the see through element.  It was too much.  
• Shailene Woodley: major fail.  She looked like she borrowed this dress from her grandma and forgot to have it updated.  It was hideous on her and made me feel like I couldn't breathe!  
• Melissa McCarthy: While I think this was an improvement from her last awards show dress, there was something off about this color for her.  I would have done some changes of my own to the dress.  I don't like putting her in the misses category--it's more of an "almost there".
• Anna Faris:  all I can think is disco oil-spill.

Billy Crystal did another great job hosting the Oscars, witty and sarcastic without putting people on edge.   I loved seeing 82 year old, Christopher Plummer receive an Oscar after a lifetime of acting.  Octavia Spencer's speech was heartfelt and touching to watch.  I just love seeing actors that are shocked at their win (unlike Meryl Streep this year--uh, think of yourself highly, much?).  

Working Out the Unknown

I've been melancholy all week long.

I blame the weather...but we all know that isn't the truth.

We haven't had the typical Iowa winter with snow...everything just died and froze-talk about depressing, right?!  It started with a walk down a painful memory lane.  I hate it when I wander off the path of here & now and end up there.  Trapped in past hurts and memories that I thought I was over, but somehow they have popped to the forefront of my mind.

To add insult to injury, I saw myself listed on a family member's 'family tree' section on FaceBook as 'unknown'.  Not cousin or daughter or wife...but 'unknown'.  It made me laugh & cry at the same time.  One picture summed it all up...i was feeling unknown.  Do you ever feel that way? I know at least one other person out there feels that way, she told me.  She is a brave and real soul.  She bares her heart, even when it is painful.  I love that more than any other quality about people--raw and real.

It seems like the last several years have been filled with pain in relationships because I wasn't known.  This post isn't pointing fingers, because when you point one--you've got four more pointing back at you.  Everyone makes mistakes and there is always, always, always grace for those mistakes. But, when I honestly look back at the bumps and failings in relationships over the past years there is blame to be put on both sides.  We failed to know one another's heart.  Some of the failing had to come, because true and healthy relationship can't come when you can't know one another.  Relationships can't live and grow in a place where you are unknown.

I am not in the place of having it all worked out...clearly.  I am in the middle of feeling unknown in many aspects of my life.  All I can share is what I am learning about the topic.  I think the remedy lies in safe, loving relationships with people that aren't afraid of the real me and being that safe person for others as well.  I am blessed to have some people in my life that can cry with me, laugh at my ridiculous behavior and love me despite myself.   If you are unknown tonight, I hope you have someone in your life that truly knows you.

Juice Fast update

image: nakedjuice.com

Two days of migraines, a sick child with the flu and a juicer on back order,  pretty much sums up last week.  The interesting thing about last week was that I didn't get discouraged (enough) about any of those things to want to get off the juice train!

I went to our local Hy-Vee and bought some Naked Juice (my favorites are Green Machine & Mighty Mango) to get me through until the juicer arrives.  I stuck to eating lighter healthy lunch and dinner meals (adding in veggies), focused on ridding my diet of sugar, coffee and processed foods and upped my water intake.

Overall, I feel great (who wouldn't after two days of migraines!)!! Giving up coffee has been the hardest, I am not sure I am ready to give that up completely--there is nothing like a good cup of coffee in the morning!  My clothes are more comfortable, my skin is clearing up and I definitely have more energy.  I decided I am going to allow myself to track my weight loss once a week, otherwise it becomes an obsession for me.  I am happy to share that somewhere along the way four lbs. fell off!!

I haven't added in an exercise routine yet.  Honestly, for me that might be the hardest component of this new lifestyle to make happen.  No excuses, but I just need to find the time in my week to fit it in.   The the little hiccups in my "plan" haven't even deterred me from pressing on and that makes me proud of my new "balanced" self!

Any readers out there finding success with their New Year's Resolutions?  Have you been inspired by Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead to make health changes in 2012?  Share them in the comment box below.  I'd love to hear what motivates, inspires and encourages you to better health!

Take It Easy...

It's a week into this new year and something has come over me that has been quite unexpected.  You see, I am a planner by nature and usually by January 1 I have my life goals for the next year written out and ready to go.  But, by January 7, I am usually "over it" and back to my old ways.

This year, I set no resolutions, no expectations and no goals.  To be honest, I have kind of given up on the idea.  But, then it snuck up on me, this new mindset.  I am tired of beating myself up over my failures, so I have decided to take it easy on myself.  Instead of a daily "To Do" list, I have resigned myself to pick about 5-10 things I want to get completed this month and I try to take action towards one of them every day.  It is almost as if the idea came to me from my subconscious as a reward for finally going easy on myself.

As I look out at the landscape of 2012, the word balance comes to mind.  Those who know me personally, know I am not really a balanced person.  It's more like all or nothing with me!  As much as I love that about myself, the older I get the more I see balance is really the key to peaceful living.  My life is more at peace when I have balance.  My kids are happier when I have balance.  When my schedule has balance, I am able to make room in my life for time with my spouse and/or friends, extra snuggles on the couch and lingering phone conversations.

One area of my life that has NEVER had balance is my health.  I tried to start the new year by doing a cleanse with some friends.  Guess who forgot to start on the 2nd and who quit by the 3rd?  This girl.  Guess who immediately was beating herself up over it before she even got started?  This girl.  That doesn't look anything like balance, does it?

Yesterday afternoon, I sat down to enjoy the peace and quiet (since the youngest was off entertaining Gramma).  I decided to watch something on Netflix.  I had heard some people talking about this documentary, Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead, so I decided to watch it.  I think it is a must see for anyone who wants to make some changes in the area of their health.  By the end I was cheering and found myself inspired to make a change for the better.

After telling my husband about how excited I was about this idea, he was a bit skeptical.  I think the conversation went something like this:

Husband: "Can I be frank?"
Me: "Yes, but I would like to still call you Chris?" 

Husband: {smiles at my humor} "What makes this any different from the cleanse that you already quit?"
Me: {gasps with mocking offense--i knew that was coming} "Well, I am inspired." 

Husband: {shrugs}
Me: "I watched this movie about a guy who has similar problems to me.  I saw him do this one simple thing and get better.  It makes me see that I can do it too."
Husband: "That makes sense."

What I didn't tell my husband was that throughout the film, Joe talked about health and balance.  Not because he wanted to be a certain weight or size, but because he wanted to be a better person.  He wanted to feel better.  I always get hung up on the "dieting" fads because it always seems to be about pounds and sizes--for me a failure waiting to happen.  But, Joe's message of balance struck a cord with me.

I'd encourage you to check out Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead on Netflix (instant watch) or check it out from your local library.  There are also several other documentaries on food, nutrition and health out there that are informational and eye opening.

Joe's message is not the only way to better health, as there are many great ways to make healthy changes in our lives.  My encouragement to you is to try to make one small choice each day that improves your health (it's all about balance!)

May 2012 be our healthiest year yet!!